VACATION TOUR PACKAGE # 1775, USMC TRAVEL AGENCY
(Offered year round at our always sunny Southern California Bed and Breakfast location, and at our luxurious sand flea infested South Carolina swampy hideaway)
Basic info: Thank you for your interest in Tour package #1775. We invite you on our 90 day-24/7 all expenses paid vacation. This unique vacation guarantees to instill into each of you a tremendous amount of pride, while strengthening your nasty civilian body and mind to unprecedented levels. A well groomed, sharp dressed and highly motivated USMC Travel representative will pick you up at your place of residence, and from this point forward, your ass belongs to us. You bring nothing but your youthful motivation and the clothes on your back. Any extra trash you bring with you will either be thrown away or packed away and given back to you as your graduation nears, if you make it that far. Don’t expect to use any communication devices while on this vacation until your final week. You will become familiar with paper, pens, envelopes, and stamps which equals letter writing for you slower folks. We offer you the opportunity of a lifetime, and that is too become one of our proud members.
About our guides: Your friendly tour guides who are just salivating at the opportunity to mentor you, will be several kind-hearted, well-disciplined men and woman who want nothing more than to ensure you have a very memorable and pleasant experience. You can bet your sorry asses that no one will go unnoticed on this vacation. We here at USMC Travel demand and expect full participation at all times. These veteran guides will break you down and teach you everything that you need to know by the numbers to ensure you can properly carry out orders and to defend yourself. Attitude problems; not a problem on this pow wow. We here at USMC travel have very creative ways to adjust those who need adjusting, so learn to think before you run your pie hole while on this vacation.
Extras: To ensure that everyone can properly hear our well-meaning guides, we instruct them to turn up the decibels as they speak. And please do not be alarmed if you find yourself face to face with one of our guides. This is just a way for them to get to know each of you. And if for some silly reason you fail to understand or carry out an order, or if the tour guides have nothing better to do, you will endure some extra training which makes for an excellent cardio workout and a great way to cleanse the pores as sweat is guaranteed to pour down your worried face. No matter how much of this extra training you may receive, we here at USMC Travel will pick up the tab to show you our level of commitment and your credit card will not be charged any additional charges. We will also ensure that you are a master at marching around, and in the art of janitorial duties. BFF, yes, your M-16 rifle is now your best friend forever and you will be proficient in all aspects of this lethal weapon. Attention to detail will be embedded into each of you all courtesy of this highly sought after vacation package.
Daily routine: Your days will begin early at about zero dark-thirty and you will perform some form of physical activity as a group each day. For you lazy deep sleepers, not to worry. We ensure your awakening each and ever single day. Rain or shine, extreme heat or frigid cold, we here at USMC Travel don’t give a flying fuck and we will proudly carry on with the plan of the day. To avoid any bullshit drama such as you wanting to hang yourself, or you trying to escape your commitment, several of you will watch over each other each and every night to ensure we are all happy campers.
Activities: If you have a fear of heights, then boy oh boy are we gonna have some fun with you candy asses. Note: Medical staff is on hand just in case one of you happens to go, SPLAT!. To assists you with any soreness you may have, we have included about five days of leisure time in one of our Olympic size pools. And just in case you were wondering, there are no dolphins in this pool to swim with, but there are plenty of “Dogs” who will be more than happy to waddle with you. No rubber duckies in this pool either, but we will be more than happy to teach you how to float with the provided gear you will be issued. What’s that you say: Not a good marksman; not a freakin problem. Our eager staff of well qualified and proven marksman will have you hitting a fleas ass from as far away as 500 yards in just two short weeks. And a favorite event of many of our vacationers is the often feared, but very misunderstood ‘sinus clearing chamber’ which will leave you in tears while sporting a beautiful hooded mask provided to you at no extra costs. Filters sold separately. This event makes for a wonderful photo op for your scrap book, so don’t forget to smile as your mucous pours from your nose. For you nature freaks, not to worry, we also have you covered. Package #1775 offers some beautiful yet god-awful painful walks of various distances and speeds, and guess what? We even provide you with a sturdy back-pack stuffed with back-breaking weight. Note: You must sign a blister waiver before going on any nature hike. You see, we here at USMC Travel don’t like lawsuits. And for you aggressive combative mother fuckers, you will engage each other in some motivating hand to hand combat. Just don’t forget to sport your mouth peace. In the event that your fangs do become dislodged, or if your grille begins to spew bright red blood, no need to worry. We have a friendly staff of well qualified dentists who love nothing more than to yank, drill, and god knows what else, all free of charge.
Meals: Yes, you do get food. Meals are also covered in this package, but the amount of time to eat them is never guaranteed, so stuff your pie holes as quickly as possible. And for you fancy diners, don’t come here expecting steak and lobster washed down with some gay ass imported wine or mineral water. Instead of that fancy overpriced shit, we here at USMC Travel provide top notch four star first class catering and exquisite well aged enveloped food which believe it or not can be stuffed into your cargo pockets. Tap luke warm water from one of your handy-dandy canteens to wash it all down, and you are good to go. What more can a vacationer ask for.
Grooming standards: Did we mention the haircuts for you males. We here at USMC Travel do not like cooties such as head lice which is why all male’s wigs will be removed and then allowed to gradually grow back to ensure a studly appearance by graduation time. Your Chewbacca days are long gone as shaving your pretty little face is mandatory. Say goodbye to that nasty rock star hair do, and your Rastafarian days of sporting dreads cease now. We pride ourselves on looking sharp and we love it when we all look the same.
Your reward: Upon your completion of package #1775, each of you receives various outstanding uniforms which are yours to keep forever, some photos, videos, and you get a giant green sea bag to stuff all of your trash in. Plus you get the right to now say, “Semper Fi which is our company moto. and your membership will never expire.
Graduation info: Your loved ones, stalkers, along with any groupies who by now will be all over you, are allowed to come see you graduate, but they must pay their own way, or hitchhike, we really don’t care.
Warning: Under no circumstances should the weak or lame sign up for this exotic vacation. Other tour packages offered by our friendly competitors of, USA Travel, USN Travel, USAF Travel and USCG Travel can not begin to compare to this life changing thirteen week vacation, but they will never admit this.
We don’t want to scare any of you sweethearts and this is why this travel brochure only makes mention of the basics you each will encounter. Good times await you, so what are you waiting for. And if you have a buddy, heck, bring him or her along. This way both of you can experience hell together.
NO REFUNDS! Wait a minute…well god damn…we here at USMC travel will even pay you to vacation with us.
To lock in your bunk, call: 1-800-MARINES